My Private Pity Party

I have been having a pity party I suppose. I have what the doctor calls "treatment resistant depression". He has had me on every medicine known to man and nothing has helped. I don't know if this is something I can just shake or if it has to run its course. I believe it will have to run its course because if I could shake it off, I would. I have been feeling much like a victim for months now and not finding joy in anything or being able to be thankful for anything. I laugh very little and am sure I am not pleasant to be around. I am no longer the happy go lucky person I once was. It seems part of me was not brought back when I died and was shocked back to life. It happened twice on New Year,s Day---I had no pulse, no blood pressure and no heartbeat. I have no memory of it, only of waking days later in the hospital. Way down inside me, I feel like this is temporary. but it has gone on so long. I am praying that writing about it will be helpful and bring a bit of relief.